The Whiskey Revolution
by Nemesis13
Summary: [Formerly A Simple Change in Plans] An amnesiac C.C. offers Lelouch a bottle of whiskey rather than sex upon his return from the F.L.E.I.J.A attack on Tokyo and the presumed death of Nunnally. Not much later Kallen discovers that drunken words are sober thoughts and everything changes when the "Man of Miracles' stops giving a damn about anyone but his ever loyal Red Queen.
1. Chapter 1

"Master, Master!?" Lelouch lifted his head slowly to look upon his confidant and co-conspirator turned useless slave girl while blinking owlishly at her open and caring expression; honestly it was disconcerting as hell viewing C.C. like this and he'd gladly give up a limb to hear one of her scathing barbs at the moment.

"Yes...Cecilia...what is it?" The limette glanced about fervently and quickly rushed to a cabinet on the far wall and soon returned with a bottle of top shelf whiskey, Lelouch arced a brow at the offering and she blushed slightly before speaking.

"I...heard some of the other knights imbibe in this when they are hurting, I thought...it could help?" Lelouch stared down at the bottle and reflected on the days events, Nunnally? Dead. Tokyo? Dead. His reason for living? Dea...well... He paused at that and thought over it a moment, what was Kallen to him? Honestly he didn't know, while he'd propositioned her at one point it had been in a moment of weakness that had earned him a healthy and well deserved smack but all told if anyone actually understood the loss of a sibling in war it would be his Red Queen.

Snapping the seal on the bottle he tried to ignore C.C.'s pleased and worshiping smile as she rushed back to the shelves bringing him a snifter filled with ice, dumping the liquor into the crystal glass he lifted it to the ceiling smiling sadly.

"To you, Euphemia, the first woman I ever loved and the one I betrayed the most by letting your false blood stained memory carry on. To you Cornelia, the big sister I always cared for and who cared for me, who I used to find answers you never knew while stealing the one you loved most away. To you Shirley, who died for the sin of loving me. To you...Nunnally...my baby sister I tried so hard to protect and failed in every way imaginable."

He turned to see C.C. whose amber eyes were brimming with tears and he felt a pang as he finished off his toast, "And to you Cecilia, for you broke yourself for me, and I lament not knowing how to fix you..." Sighing he tossed back the drink and coughed as it burned down his throat. Extending the snifter and its half melted contents outwards C.C. quickly refilled it and Lelouch emptied it in record time, oddly enough it didn't burn so much going down a second time. Two glasses later he was chuckling at the ceiling when the door chimed, he heard a muffled voice that sounded like Kallen so he quickly invited her in.

The redheaded ace strutted in with rolling hips and a determined gaze, Lelouch didn't bother hiding the grin that crawled up his face as he took in her skin tight flight suit; Kallen for her part pretended to ignore the teens hormone driven reaction to her as she coughed lightly into her fist.

"Zero, Ohgi wants to meet you in warehouse four," brow furrowing Lelouch sloppily poured more liquor into his glass as he glanced about finally noticing that C.C. was missing. Shrugging he downed the whiskey and tossed the glass aside when empty while standing and doing his level best to focus his doubled vsion.

Grunting in annoyance he snatched up the half empty bottle and stumbled as he attempted to reach for his mask at the same time, Kallen rushed forward and caught his arm preventing a rather painful fall which earned her a heart stopping grin in return.

"Thanks my Queen, what would I do without you? What does he want anyway, I may be out of it but it's not normal for a suboridnate to summon his superior." Kallen was about to respond when C.C. peaked around the corner while calling out,

"Please master, take off your clothes and I promise I'll make you feel better!" Lelouch stared at her a moment then broke out laughing, falling back down he grasped his head in both hands completly ignoring Kallen's shocked and angry visage. She was about to do something...insubordinate, like hitting the pervert when she realized that his shaking had shifted into sobbing. Growing worried she sat down next to the 'Man of Miracles while placing a comforting hand on his knee, to her surprise he grasped it tightly while turning his tearful gaze to her.

"Her memories gone, I screwed up again and the woman we knew as C.C. died, all that remains is the slave girl who aimed to please her masters to avoid beatings...C.C., Euphemia, Nunnally, you...I've failed everyone I ever cared about..." Kallens breath hitched at that but her reaction was ignored as Zero retook his feet while jamming his mask on. "Right...Ohgi...why the fuck not," Kallen decided it was best to not question the liquor bottle still held tightly in his grasp as they began moving.

As the duo approached the elevator Lelouch stopped at the threshold, she thought he was going to pass out as he swayed back and forth to address her but when she extended her arm to catch him he caught it one handed.

"Kallen, I'm so glad you're back, I was ready to burn this city to the ground to get you but...pff...Suzaku beat me to it," cocking his head to the side Lelouch removed his mask and met her eyes with his troubled gaze. She could smell the stench of liquor on his breath but that lost precedence over the look of longing in those violet orbs, "If...if nothing else...please...you have to survive...the only one left who matters..."

He leaned in and kissed her trembling lips, it tasted like alcohol, anger, despair, and longing, it didn't take her long to wrap her arms around his neck and hold the trembling revolutionary close as he finally released his grief in an anguished muffled cry. A moment, a minute, an eternity later he broke the embrace and stood tall while wiping away his tears; pulling the mask back on he entered the elevator while extending his gloved hand toward her. Taking it neither said a word to each other as the elevator began moving, hearing an odd noise she glanced to Lelouch and felt her brows raise in confusion at the sight that met her.

Lelouch had the liquor bottle up to his mask and there appeared to be a straw extended from under the collar leading into the whiskey, Kallen couldn't help the the laugh that broke out as she asked,

"Is...is that a straw? You have a booze straw in your helmet?" Kallen thought she could feel his glare but that only made her laugh harder, sighing Lelouch finished his last gulp and quickly stated,

"It's an emergency induction port Kallen, it's important you remember these things," snorting and giggling it took a few moments to regain her composure before she managed to reply while cocking her head to the side,

"It's a straw Lelouch, it's a booze straw," Still glaring his seething denial filled the small enclosure,

"Emergency. Induction. Straw...no wait...Port...gods damn it woman," Now laughing hard enough that she had to brace her hands on her knees her reply was quickly cut off as the elevator slid open. Wiping away the first tears of mirth she'd had in months Kallen walked out into the darkened room shaking her head,

"Sure sure tell yourself that-" she was cut off as several spot lamps shined down on them blinding the pair as a familiar voice roared out,

"Surrender now Zero!"

"How dare you try to run a con game on us!?"

"We Know everything about Geass!" Kallen turned back to Lelouch as he lifted his helmeted visage to the catwalk while taking another sip from his emergency induction straw, coughing lightly on the potent liquor he shook his head minutely before tossing the empty bottle aside.

"You know what? You're all fucking idiots, every last one of of you!" Zero stopped mid motion before nodding towards Kallen before continuing, "Besides Kallen, really, idiots."


	2. Chapter 2

There was dead silence after Zero's pronouncement, eventually getting bored he sighed as he removed his helmet while pulling down the face mask, looking up into the spot lights he smirked before continuing,

"Really, you know everything about Geass? Well please, do enlighten me, that green haired bitch tornado neglected to give me a pamphlet on the ins and outs of this power so I'd love to know what you have to say on the subject." More silence, Lelouch swayed a bit unsteadily sighing again before Ohgi yelled out,

"We know that you used your Geass to force us into following you! You've been warping peoples wills to fulfill your whims, you're despicable!" The expected response, whatever it was, was more than likely _not_ snorted giggling as Lelouch bent over holding his knees, after a few moments he stood up straight(ish) as he drunkedly tried to focus on the source of the voice.

"Despicable? This coming from the fool who used Stockholm Syndrome to shag an amnesiac Britannian soldier? Really?" Ohgi sputtered a few moments as Lelouch continued, "And don't bother giving me any excuses I have my _own_ amnesiac hottie up in my room who keeps insisting I take my clothes off for her. I'm a red blooded Britannian teenager and I still resist her advances, what's your excuse?" Kallen chose this moment to speak up,

"It's true, C.C. lost her memory and well...regressed..." There was more whispering from the catwalk before Chiba yelled down,

"Kallen are you under his Geass!?" Lelouch interjected again at this point honestly more amused than not,

"Nagisa! Hey lemme just give you some advice dear Tohdoh-sensei has a stick up his arse that has a stick up _its_ arse so just get him drunk and shag him senseless, that goofy samurai honor thing will guarantee that you net him for life." More sputtering, at this point Kallen herself was having a hard time keeping a straight face as she turned to Leouch who was grinning broadly obviously amused by his own statement.

"They do have guns aimed at us do recall," he shrugged in indifference,

"Honestly beyond the point of caring really besides they won't shoot me with you standing there, thanks by the way I care about you too," her cheeks reddened at that but Lelouch wasn't paying any attention to that as something caught his eye, "Schneizel! You cheeky little cob nobbler did you pull all this off for me? I'm touched really!" Kallen glanced up to the shadows that had gained her leaders attention and groaned loudly,

"Please don't tell me you guys are acting on information given to you by _him_ , please I'd really like to think you had more common sense then to trust the _Prime Minister of BLOODY FUCKING BRITANNIA_ 's word," there was more uncomfortable silence before Lelouch clapped loudly gaining everyone's attention once again.

"I know! Lets play a game, it's called 'Who did Schneizel purposely leave out of this conspiracy and why,' *ahem* Xingake you up there you big lug? I know you've got it out for me after the whole kidnapping the Tianzi deal...no? Rakshata you beautiful sociopath I'm sure you're just waiting to cut my head open to figure out how my Geass works...hello?"

He comically cupped a hand behind his ear before shrugging once, smirking now while dropping his voice into a sultry tone that did...things to Kallen's stomach he slowly drawled out, "Kaguya baby I know you want yourself a piece of Zero and don't think I forgot about that crush you had on me as kids...nope, nothing? Well we already know Kallen is here so where does that leave us?"

Lifting his hand up he began marking off fingers as he made each point, "No tactical genius general who _has_ to be analytical to do his job, no brilliant engineer whose reliance on the scientific method would naturally demand more data, no brilliant industrialist who managed to hold Kyoto together despite being fifteen and most of all no Kallen. Who incidentally, outside of mister Reed over there was the only person in this room who didn't get herself captured at the end of the last rebellion and had to have their arse saved by _me_ when you were going to be executed. Recent capture not withstanding that was due to a dead battery which I still blame Ohgi for."

Lelouch was on a roll and he knew it, dramatically sweeping his hands to the sides he laughed a bit as he finished his argument, "SO! Since Schneizel purposely left all the critical thinkers out of this little shindig we're stuck with honorable stupid," he pointed at Tohdoh earning himself a growl, "paranoid stupid," he gestured towards Ohgi, "and just plain stupid," he finished this off by waving a dismissive hand at Tamaki who of course blew up.

After a rant neither of those on the ground level paid attention to Lelouch turned to Kallen smirking slightly, "So since one of you is here now, Kallen love would you please make the observation that completely derails Schneizel's entire argument?" Rolling her eyes she turned back to the catwalk while replying,

"If Lelouch was controlling all of you with Geass, how are you capable of betraying him and working with his brother to perform this coup?" Dead. Silence. Lelouch's laughter echoed through the hanger as Kallen shook her head slowly, "God he's right, you're all fucking idiots.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hope you all enjoy the newest chapter of this lovely little bit of madness, sometimes it's the things you don't take seriously that help you relax the most, anywho hope to hear from you all!**

* * *

Lelouch swayed back and forth a bit before giggling to himself once again, before anything else could be said he grabbed Kallen around the waist and pulled her close,

"Let her go Zero you won't use her as a hostage!" Ohgi's demand was ignored as Lelouch tilted his head to nuzzle the side of Kallens neck nipping it lightly while giving the area surrounding the love bite a few light kisses.

"You look amazing in that outfit by the way, I have no idea why it has to be skintight but Gods be damned I'm not complaining," blushing and doing her best not to melt into the embrace the redhead in question managed to stutter out,

"Le-Lelouch is this really the time and place for this?" He paused a moment then sighed, loosening his grasp but not fully letting her go she felt his bangs touch the nape of her neck as he nodded in annoyance.

"You're right as ever my dear Q1," glaring up at the lights the Man of Miracles roared out, "You've all been found guilty of extreme gullibility and idiocy, therefor you're all sacked, have your desks cleaned out by the end of the day. I will of course offer referral letters to your next employers and leave out the entire mutiny thing, don't want to ruin future career options after all." There was stunned silence as Tamaki stuttered out,

"Wha-wha-what?!" Lelouch sighed again and began speaking slowly as if to a particularly dense child,

"You are all sacked, dismissed, your services are no longer required, I mean really you idiots tried to kill me because I'm a Prince on the word of _another_ Prince...one we've spent the better part of a year fighting. Why would I want you people in positions of power after that? Not sure what I was expecting really, I mean I had to save you idiots from _Clovis_ for fucks sake so I wasn't working with the cerebral sort to begin with..." Kallen growled a bit a this as she tensed up,

"Lelouch..." before she could continue he pulled her close again and nipped her earlobe causing her to tense up and groan lightly,

"Present company excluded of course, come on you gave Jeremiah a run for his money in a Glasgow held together with red paint and hatred, props love, really," finally succumbing to the embrace she leaned into the drunk revolutionary as she cooed back with,

"Oh you just know what to say to a girl don't you?" He snickered at that while shaking his quickly,

"Not sober no," glancing up to the catwalks he saw that Schneizel was actually out of the lights glare and made brief eye contact with his errant little brother. Almost casually Lelouch reached up to his face and quickly removed his contact, meeting his brothers cold gaze once more Lelouch stated, "I command you Schneizel, from this point forward thinking about conquest arouses you, and you can only get off if you have sex with farm animals or jerk it to the image of our father!" There was a pause as the room realized he cast his Geass, Kallen began shaking with barely contained laughter as her friend and leaders command to his brother registered,

"Oh-oh my God Lelouch!" At this point she couldn't take it anymore, booze straws, angry drunken rants, the flirting, and now _that_ , she lost it as she broke down into hysterical laughter.

"He's using his Geass, stop him!" Her laughter died immediately as several people began firing machine guns at her,

"Fuck," was all Lelouch managed as his grip around her waist tightened and he swung her around to take the shots himself, snapping her eyes shut waiting for the inevitable she clearly heard Schneizal's demand to hold fire as a rush of wind and a crash of noise landed next to them. The tings of deflected bullets caused Kallen to open her eyes as she realized they were being shielded by of all things the Shinkirou,

"Brother!" was all that was stated over the black and gold machines loud speakers as Lelouch began cackling madly, sticking one hand above the protective embrace of the war machine he then gave the surrounding crowd the finger. Still laughing the Man of Miracles clearly bellowed out,

"DEUS EX MACHINIMA YOU UNGRATEFUL PRICKS!" Turning to Kallen he grinned at her and kissed her fiercely before releasing her, "Tell Kaguya and Xingake everything, and I mean _everything_. I'll be back Red, I love you," with that he slipped into the Shinkirou's hands and let his fake little brother carry him away. Kallen shook her head in confusion as she realized the giant machine, it's crazy pilot, and her drunk boyfriend were all missing and from the shouts above she wasn't the only one to notice this.

Reaching up to the bridge of her nose she began rubbing it slowly as she got to her feet and left the chaos behind as she entered the lift previously occupied by Lelouch and herself. Deciding that first she would hit his quarters and see if there was any more booze she then resolved to have a very overdue meeting with Zero's number one fangirl.

As the Shinkirou landed after their rather uneventful escape Lelouch met his pseudo little brothers gaze and just stared at him a few minutes, beginning to become uncomfortable Rolo eventually coughed and looked elsewhere. Sighing Lelouch stood and approached the younger man while grabbing his shoulders,

"Rolo...why did you save me after everything I said to you?" Rolo gave him a watery smile at that while shaking his head quickly,

"My brother is a master of lies, I know you didn't mean what you said, we're all we have anymore...and I chose to save you because it was my decision, I'm sick and tired of being a tool, I was nothing more then a weapon to the Geass order, to V.V., to the Emperor. Even to you really, it was my decision...and I decided to save my brother." Lelouch stared at him for a few seconds before sighing and pulling the young man into a hug,

"You're an idiot, but you're my idiot, thank you Rolo...but why...why did you kill Shirley? No bullshit, I'm too goddamn drunk to play puppet master here and pretend I believe your bullshit, honesty set to on little brother." Rolo tensed at that before he relaxed,

"I was afraid...I was afraid she'd replace me...Like Nunnally would...like anyone _real_ would..." sighing yet again Lelouch released the embrace to smack his little brother on the side of the head lightly,

"Listen you prat, you're all I have left, yes I was furious with you, hell I was plotting on killing you, but you're all the family I have left and that year together was real if nothing else, so I'm willing to start over if you promise to stop murdering women who are interested in me. Not flattering myself but there's going to be a serious dip in the female population otherwise, can we work with this?" Swiping away tears of joy Rolo threw his arms around his brother while sobbing and nodding,

"Yes, brother...thank you..." Nodding Lelouch eventually gently pushed him away while glancing to the military base in the distance,

"You're welcome, now I'm starting to sober up and that base probably has an officers club, what's say we take it over and send all of the proud little Britannians at my Father's air fleet while we raid the bar?" Rolo's brow furrowed a bit as he nodded and followed his brother back to their Knightmare,

"Sure but why attack to the Royal fleet?" Lelouch grinned as he turned to meet his brothers gaze with a shrug,

"Fuck the police, that's why."


	4. Chapter 4

It was late evening when General Xingke, Lady Kaguya, and the Empress Tianzi were escorted into the reserved conference room that Kallen had been patiently waiting in, turning to the new arrivals she lifted the half finished bottle of sake in greeting.

"Hello my friends, sorry for the abrupt summons but a lots happened...a whole helluva lot really..." Xingke looked at the young redhead with concern as he spoke with a tentative tone,

"Are...you all right Captain Kōzuki?" Letting out a mirthless chuckle she slid the bottle across the table towards the stoic man,

"Not really, tell me what have the traitors told you already?" This gave the arriving trio pause, glancing between each other there seemed to be a collective agreement as Kaguya stepped forward,

"We've been led to believe that Master Zero has died due to his injuries, and that nominal command of the Black Knights is to be put in Commander Ohgi's control," Kallen busted out laughing at that while shaking her head slowly,

"Of course, look Zero isn't dead, in fact he's probably causing Kami knows what kinds of damage now that he's lost his morality pet..." sighing she pulled her hands through her tousled hair before reaching beneath the table pulling up a second bottle of liquor. Pouring two glasses she stood and brought the drinks before the other two women in the room before returning to her seat, unceremoniously plopping back into the plush chair she lifted her bottle high. The others hesitatingly mirrored her actions as Tianzi spoke up,

"If...if Zero isn't dead what's going? And what do you mean about his morality pet?" Snorting Kallen drawled out,

"To the Exiled Eleventh Prince of the Holy Empire of Britannia, Lelouch vi Britannia, the Man of Miracles, the revolutionary bent on the destruction of his own homeland known best as Zero." The stunned silence from her drinking partners didn't stop Kallen from taking a long pull from her bottle as she turned her wary eyes back to Kaguya, "So...let me tell you about my boyfriends super power and how his asshole brother nearly ruined everything."

* * *

Rolo was busying himself behind the bar tossing items into a blender while reading a poorly written recipe that was sitting on the counter, glancing up at his brother who was currently playing darts the younger boy quickly returned to his task as he asked,

"Brother I was wondering, why did you order the bases forces to take the Great Britannia in the name of Schneizel?" Throwing the dart in hand and grinning at the muffled yelp that followed Lelouch reached down for his glass of rum and cola and took a quick drink before responding.

"Simple little brother, hijacking my fathers airship is as close as I'm going to ever get to stealing the old mans car and going joyriding, I'm doing my best to enact my rebellious teenager duties. As for why doing it in Schneizel's name? Pff, easy, I'm trying to discredit him, and now with his odd sexual fixation on the Emperor and farm animals well...hehehe..." Rolo only shook his head in reply as he activated the blender while hoping for the best,

"I see, and why are you using that fat man as a dart board?" Turning back to the officer in question who had a crude series of rings drawn in sharpie across his belly Lelouch shrugged while finishing his drink. Wiping his mouth he giggled while tossing the glass over his shoulder as he threw another dart,

"This is Colonel Fayer, he's the bloke that ordered Suzaku to keep me in place so we could eat a missile barrage and the sole reason said idiot traitor best friend has that 'Live' geass. So in a way he is indirectly responsible for Nunnally's death." Pouring the strawberry daiquiri into a large glass Rolo nodded while humming in approval, smacking his lips in satisfaction the brunette cocked his head to the side while gesturing at the bearded bleeding man,

"Thus the darts?" Lelouch grinned while throwing another said pointy implement,

"Thus the darts little brother." As the music changed Lelouch winced as he began glaring at the officer clubs jukebox, "The hell is that...noise?" Taking another sip from his frozen drink Rolo stepped from behind the bar and approached the jukebox, staring at the screen he turned back to his brother looking confused,

"Err...something called 'Limp Bizkit', whatever that is...it sounds phallic and or sexual in nature really..." Lelouch let out a disgusted noise as he popped a beer open while taking a pull from it,

"We could always ask Milly, she's perverted enough to get the context I suppose," Rolo shivered at that as he used his free arm to hold himself while taking a large gulp of his daiquiri,

"Do so at your own risk brother, you give her ideas she'll probably want to try them on you..." Lelouch blanched at that nearly choking on his beer, coughing said beverage up he turned his frightened gaze to Rolo while quickly shaking his head,

"Quite right, lets leave her out of this, still it is offensive to the ears..." Rolo placed his glass on the table while pulling out a notepad,

"Shall I add them to the list brother?" Lelouch tapped his chin a moment then nodded,

"Yes, _after_ my father but before the guy who invented I Can't Believe It's Not Butter," Rolo nodded as he quickly penciled the now doomed band in and quickly pocketed the notebook when done,

"Why _do_ you want the not butter guy dead anyway?" Lelouch glanced up from his new position behind the bar as he glared at nothing in particular,

"Because I most certainly _CAN_ believe it's not butter and I will not be told otherwise," Rolo saw no holes in his big brothers logic so he dropped the subject and turned back to his drink, after a few minutes he realized his glass was empty and went to make another. After the blender was done wirring Rolo asked something that had been on his mind for most of the evening,

"Brother, if you weren't you know...completely and utterly inebriated what would you be doing right now?" Lelouch plopped onto a bar stool and stared at the ceiling a moment in contemplation,

"I'd...probably be on an angst ridden rampage hell bent on sealing my father and myself in the World of C as penance for all the blood I've shed...now...well I'm kinda enjoying myself. I suppose we should do something to stop him, do you know why he'd be heading out to this specific thought elevator anyway?" Rolo sipped his second drink slowly before responding, after some careful thought he felt he had an answer,

"Honestly no, but I wonder why he even took an air fleet out here considering all the elevator entrances are interconnected...seems kind of like a plot hole to me...regardless though if his plan involved V.V., which it most likely did, it can't be good for the rest of us." Lelouch hmm'd at that thinking of the best way to incapacitate an immortal, Clovis figured it out so it couldn't be _that_ hard but he really didn't have time or resources, suddenly perking up Lelouch turned to Fayer while asking,

"Stooge Monkey, does this island have landscaping equipment to keep back the surrounding forests?" Fayer nodded quickly in return,

"Yes Your Awesomeness, we have a variety of tools in the maintenance sheds," Lelouch grinned to Rolo as he hopped off his stool,

"I have an idea, but first," dumping a large pitcher of water on the floor Lelouch tossed some ice into it while popping open a full bottle of Kentucky bourbon and dumping it in, topping it off with some cola he frantically looked around in a near panic before speaking again. "Little brother do you see an alcohol induction apparatus around here?" Rolo looked at his brother nonplussed before something clicked in his buzzed mind, shuffling through a drawer he pulled out a pink crazy straw while handing it to the now elated Lelouch,

"Do you mean a straw big brother?" Giggling Lelouch dropped it into the pitcher while hefting up his rather large drink,

"Correct Rolo, never underestimate the power of the booze straw, now Colonel, lead on!"

* * *

"And that's about it," Kallen finished, at this point both Kaguya and Tianzi had their glasses topped off twice and Xingke had finished off his half bottle, the trio looked at each other then turned back to Kallen,

"Supposing we believe all this," Xingke began slowly, "Why would-" to everyone's surprise the Tianzi spoke up over her friend a look of consternation on her porcelain face,

"What I don't understand is if Zero...rather Lelouch had this power and the others thought he used it on them, how did they not see the logical fallacy that if he ordered them to follow him they could not have turned on him?" Kallen stared at the diminutive Empress a moment before she let out several snorted giggles, before she could respond her mobile began ringing. Staring down at the caller ID Kallen's eyes widened as she quickly whispered,

"It's Lelouch, on video call what should I do?" Kaguya, who was obviously not as far along on the drinking as the redhead took the phone and plugged it into the central terminal, what greeted them when the call was picked up was a bit of a surprise.

"Hello hello! I see you have most of the smart people in one room, good on you Red I knew I could count on you!" Kallen blushed at that while stammering out,

"I...well I wanted to help," Lelouch grinned causing all three women to turn pink cheeked and look away,

"And of course you did so marvelously! Look what it comes down to is my immortal asshole father is probably up to some sort of shenanigans so Rolo and I are going to go put a stop to it right quick since we really don't have anything better to do at the moment. So I was-" Kaguya cut in there before the drunk man could continue,

"What do you mean immortal?" Lelouch frowned at the interruption but gave her the courtesy of a response regardless,

"Long story made short in order to get a Geass power you have to form a contract with an immortal code bearer, my creepy midget uncle had his code taken by the Emperor so when I used my Geass on him to shoot himself it worked...and activated his code. So now he can't die, _but_ I have a solution!" There was a revving noise in the background as Lelouch panned the camera to face Rolo who was holding a thrumming chainsaw in his hands staring at it fondly,

"It's been a long time since I've dismembered a corpse, ah...Venice..." Chuckling lightly Lelouch turned the camera back towards himself as he quickly continued with,

"Don't forget the trash bags little brother! Anyway, after this someones gonna have to take over the Empire and since I have nothing going on I figured why not take the reigns and turn that backwards group of noble pricks on their heads. So! A good Emperor needs a better Empress at his side, after I wack my dad and throw his giblets into a concrete mixer, Kallen would you consider marrying me?"


	5. Chapter 5

**As you've all no doubt guessed this is just a fun crackfic I update when I'm feeling down and out, just had a tooth extraction (insert screams of pain, constant headaches, and exasperation) so I focused on _this_ rather then the new hole in my head. As always please review, next time I update will get us past Ragnoraks failure and Lelouch's ascension. **

* * *

Kallen stared at the drunken Prince's cheeky grin so prominently displayed on the monitor for a few moments before blinking owlishly at his question,

" _THAT'S_ your idea of a proposal?" Looking briefly offended Lelouch took a sip from a large pitcher that probably, most likely, contained more alcohol before clearing his throat to reply,

"Of course not, this is the pre-proposal," Xingke pinched the bridge of his nose sighing while the Tianze looked like she wanted to burst out laughing, Kaguya just kept shifting her gaze between the ace pilot and exile Prince with a look of contemplative scheming on her face.

"What, exactly is a pre-proposal?" Xinkge asked in a tired tone while in honest fear that the answer had a decent chance of damaging his sanity, Lelouch took another sip from his straw then responded,

"See the thing is I'm pretty sure I love Kallen, and I'm fairly certain she loves me too, we're kinda like celestial bodies that are forever drawn to each other, always in orbit even if out of sight," Tianze squealed quietly while whispering about how romantic that sounded. Lelouch of course had to ruin the effect.

"That being said, Kallen is also the only person in the world who is as likely to shag as shoot me, and honestly I deserve her ire. So, in the spirit of self interest I wanna find out if she's even inclined to accept without the option of me getting shot in the spleen being on the table, I'm rather fond of it, doing it's...spleen thing..."

Lelouch looked confused for a moment before turning his head to look off camera, "Rolo what does the spleen do again?" There was a brief sigh before the younger boy responded,

"Filters out old blood and toxins brother," Lelouch tapped his chin a moment then nodded,

"That include alcohol?" A snorted laugh was quickly followed with,

"You'd better hope so considering I'm fairly certain you've destroyed your liver," Lelouch just waved the statement off with a flippant hand,

"Just toughening it up is all, anyway where was I?" Xingke looked to be on the threshold of bursting into tears as he gritted out,

"Pre-Proposal..." Lelouch sipped his drink again while giving a thumbs up,

"Thanks big guy, anyway Kallen?" Kallen rubbed her temples slowly as she willed the sake to work faster, seeing his expectant and hopeful eyes she finally relented,

"I...will definitely consider accepting a _proper_ and _ROMANTIC_ proposal, what about a bride price?" She threw the last bit out as a joke but his smirking scoff caught her off guard,

"What, an Empire spanning more then half the world not good enough for you? Fine fine, you can choose the weddings venue and I'll even let you invite the traitors who tried to assassinate me, _but_ they will be searched for weapons. Also they don't get a gift bag...wankers..." Shaking her head ruefully her response was cut off by Lady Kaguya clearing her throat quietly,

"Master Zero...Lelouch, if you're to become Emperor would you not be taking multiple wives? I know our initial marriage was nothing more but political but I guarantee I'd make an amazing second wife," Lelouch and Kallen just stared at her, the former in irritation, the latter in shock, Xingke and Tianze simply exchanged knowing smirks. Lelouch eventually sighed and pulled out his wallet, plucking out twenty quid he handed it off camera followed by Rolo's snickering,

"How did you know she'd go that route?" Lelouch stated in annoyance, Rolo's voice took on an incredulous tone a moment later,

"Are you serious brother? Milly had me run interference on your fanclub for the better part of six months, I _know_ how obsessed women can get over their 'Effeminate Ice Prince,' always felt like a trademark should follow that statement..." Lelouch decided he didn't want to know any more about that facet of his school life and turned back to the camera,

"Right, anyway Kaguya do you have any idea how many stepmoms I have?" She looked confused but managed to shake her head in the negative, "107, 107 stepmoms of which I could probably name off six, I have literally hundreds of siblings I've never met and every one of them wants the throne. Which, in retrospect makes sense considering the Emperor's fixation on social Darwinism, don't set a successor and let them duke it out, that's...kinda how we ended up here. So I'm sorry dear, I am, but I will most certainly _not_ take multiple wives and muddy up a potential line of inheritance, the world doesn't deserve that, nor does Kallen." Kaguya looked crestfallen, Xingke and Tianze impressed, while Kallen herself was in a bit of awe.

"I...I understand Lelouch," Kaguya sniffed a bit at this, "I know I must seem unappealing, I just wish-" Lelouch cut her off with a snort at that,

"Oh don't get me wrong babe I'd still wreck you like a Burai but I couldn't do that to Kallen she's been there for me through thick and thin and I'm not that kinda guy," Kaguya perked up at that while throwing Kallen a concerning toothy grin,

"And if I could get her to agree to oh I don't know...a threesome, you'd be agreeable?" Kallen meeped as her face turned as bright red as her hair, Lelouch for his part just facepalmed as he pulled his wallet out for a second time and once again handed his laughing brother a wad of pound notes,

"Yeah...sure...good luck with that, *sigh* Xingke you're in charge with these three ladies while I go do my killing dad thing, I feel like I'm losing my buzz so I'm going to take off, love you Kallen, bye!" With that he cut the connection, Xingke and Tianze shared a weary look before they turned back to the two Japanese women the taller of which was being dragged away by the younger,

"Kaguya what are you doing?!" Grinning evily she stood on her tip toes and kissed Kallen full on the mouth earning her a shocked groan, breaking the kiss she began dragging the redhead out the door once again,

"Why, I'm going to show you why allowing me in your bedroom with Master Zero is an...amazing idea," as the door slammed behind them Xingke let out a weezing groan as he slumped in his chair cradling his face in both open hands.

"Teenagers...damn hormonal teenagers," Tianze patted her friends shoulder gently in understanding, after a few moments he shot her a whithering glare that paused her actions, "You aren't...going to try and get in on this, are you?" The waif of a woman averted her red eyes as she worried her lip,

"Noooo, not yet at least, I'll let Kaguya figure out if it's feesible, an Empress shouldn't do all the heavy lifting now should she?" Groaning again Xingke reached across the table for Kallen's unfinished bottle of sake, sipping it and wincing at the taste he stood and made for the door,

"Teenagers..."

* * *

 **If you lot like gender benders go give my story Nil Desperandum a shot, it's significantly more serious then this but it's been quite fun to write, _more_ unstable fem!Lelouch (Luluka) reliving his life and inducing chaos for its own sake, good times. Anyway, please review!**


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